"Blue Balls are Hard to Come By" and be weary of the white sauce.

The Halloween Weekend conclusion:

As a continuation of my previous post I decided to entitle this blog with a quote given in response to the previous blog entry; "Blue balls are hard to come by", indeed; though, in this persons case 20ft ladders aren't. For future reference if you should happen to find a 20ft ladder at 1am while walking home from a bar, think twice before burgling it. You never know who might be watching or who might trip over it as it lays sprawled across the living room floor. Lesson here learned.

Another lesson for the evening: Be weary of the white sauce. Now as I attended a fine and reasonably priced Italian restaurant for dinner I initiated by scoping out the menu. A wonderful selection entitled Chicken Crepes Florentine, caught my attention. A scrumptious description entailed the now infamous "white sauce". Now, I wasn't so presumptuous as to assume this was Alfredo, but I was imagining a white cream sauce of sorts. This is (as foresight must have already hinted at) not what I received. In the opinion of three taste testers it was determined that the sauce contained whipped eggwhites and possibly a little bit of sourcream and it had the consistency of something between meringue and gravy. Now, anyone who knows of my obsessive compulsive disorder when in comes to food or was present for the great corn incident of '05 understands that even after scraping all of the 'white sauce' off of what would have been a perfectly delightful set of crepes why I had completely lost my appetite and how it was taking every ounce of my being not to hyperventilate. Needless to say I ended up paying $17 for a cup of minestrone soup and the complementary bread. 2nd lesson: Don't eat the white sause until you know what's in it/always ask.

Though my evening was off to a rough start the pub crawl was good times and ultimately my night made up for the bad food and then some. Thank you to those responsible for a most fulfilling evening. So that's my Halloween... tonight ... Agenda: Hide from trick-or-treaters. Since I have no treats to give I've decided not to put the effort into turning tricks all night long. Me and B are going to rent movies, drink wine, and hope my pager doesn't go off.

Later chitlins!

On the left we have "The Cushion for the Pushin".

And for added inappropriateness the back declairs "Stick It In Me".

Big Blue Balls Aren't In High Demand.

So it's Halloween and with Halloween come Halloween costumes. After careful consideration I have decided to become a pin cusion (photos to follow in subsiquent posting). Now I know this is a popular costume choice and readily available in your corner costume shop. Yeah, umm, no; anyway, so I procede to Hobby Lobby to supply myself with the necessary items for my pin cusion transformation. 1) one red t-shirt 2)some iron-on lettering
3)red felt
4) green felt
5) sparkly silver pipeclears
and the most important
6)fuzzy balls

Now as a pin cusion I want to be chromatically balanced. I have red. I have green. So I pick yellow balls, white balls, and really wanted blue balls to round out my color palate. But what is this? Tiny blue balls. Small blue balls. Medium blue balls ..... NO BIG BLUE BALLS! Now this wouldn't be a huge deal but with a balance of color I also want a realistic scale. For the thickness that is a pipecleaner one requires big balls for proper scale. You now see my cunundrum. Now I searched ... perhaps they are simiply out of big blue balls ... but no, there is no empty hook to put any big blue balls on ... tragic I tell you tragic ... It seems . *sigh* the is no demand for big blue balls. But I want them, I need them; my Halloween costume should not suffer for lack of balls? Where is the manager of this joint!?! I need some balls over here!! But no, no blue balls for Ashley ... I'll just have to settle for green since the pink seemed so out of place.

Oh how I long for the blue balls; where are you my fuzzy friends?

2 Crura + Bulb = Root

Ahh science. Science and math, math and science. All the wonderful things one can learn in school. And how different subjects seem to intertwine to create such great correlations. The best thing I learned in anatomy the other day is 2crura plus 1 bulb equals root. MARVELOUS I SAY JUST MARVELOUS! Who would have thought that after only 4 days occupying a mear ~11 hours of my time dedicated entirely to the male genetalia I would have learned such a wonderful equation. So wonderful that I felt I needed to share it with the world. Crura + Bulb = root .... GENIUS!!! The two internal muscular crura plus the bulb of the penis composes the root of the penis. Enjoy and feel enlightened friends, enjoy indeed.

I'll let you figure this out for yourself; just don't lose your head trying.

Judge #2 John Dough; you have a video camera and no one's accusin' you of anything.

Welcome to Bearfield Meadows!!

A polite community of young couples, retiries, a few college students, and home to the witness protection and relocation servieces!

Yes kids, I have decifered the truth, my neighborhood is a relocation site for the witness protection program. To explain:

1) There are vacant houses in my neiborhood at all times. None of which has been for sale .... ever.
2) People move into and out of these houses at lightning speed. Yes moving into these houses that are never for sale, and out of them where they are not put up for sale or rent and remain vacant.
3) All these super speedy moves occur in the middle of the fucking night. We're talking pitch black darkness here. 10pm? sure Midnight? of course.

So of the three houses next to me there seems to be a rotation of in and out. When I moved in the one next door picked up and left in the middle of the night; and as you would guess it hasn't gone up for sale. Then last week a man moved in across the street into a house that hadn't been for sale or had any kind of sign in the yard for at least the last 3 months and likely the last 6 since it wasn't for sale when I was looking at houses. I'm patiently waiting for the house behind me to be filled with the next John or Jane Doe and family. Man is this exciting

What they're really thinking.

Now, though I should be studying for my anatomy test. I decided to take a few moments to show you what's really going on their heads. Enjoy.

AAW DVM @ CVM UMC hanging @ da BK lounge.

Oh acronyms, how misleading you can be. And who comes up with your meanings anyway? The lazy crack-heads of society that can't just say what they mean but make it all cool and abbreviated. Well I've decided that I have the power to remake all acronyms as I see fit. If you give me an acronym I will make it mean what ever I feel is appropriate. WWJD?

Wild Women Jumping Donkeys?
Wolves Wearing Jackets of Denim?

Who knows, the possibilities are endless. Limited only by my imagination and the imaginations of my many personalities. Where would we be without our acronyms? Life would have less madness! Information would be clear! Mass Chaos would cease!

So now I

AAW (The Awesome Abash Wallaby)
DVM (Doctor of Volcano Mating)
@
CVM (The College of Viral Monkeys)
UMC (University of Money Capturing)

take it upon myself to thank all those organizations out there that utilize acronyms to their fullest potential by applying them as names. What do your names mean oh companies of service? Who knows, but here's what I think:

FDIC? Funding Drunken Idiot Credit
UPS? Urgent Postal Sabotage
FDA? Flatulence Debilitation Association (cause let's face it every new drug approved seems to have a fine print on your bowel movements)

Oh how I could go on ... but I'll just close with my new favorite acronym given to me by my friend of science, Megan ... V-school. What is this V-school? Good question. I'm in it, so I know; but to all of you in the dark let me give you some fantastic light. Could it be a school for the preservation and maintenance of all psychological, anatomical, and physiological parameters in which designate the big V? (Oh yes I did, I threw you another acronym, but this is a free-be my friends the big V is defined by an innate lack of sexual activity, the kind approved by the state of Missouri as legal, in ones lifetime to the present) ... or am I in fact studying volcanoes as I would lead you to believe in earlier statements; or voluntarism, or perhaps Ventriloquism? No, it is none of these things as you might have guessed though the later is quite foreshaddowing for my hand ... neh more my arm will spend a considerable amount of time up the back end of .... Well .... not a puppet anyway.

So I leave you friends for the evening with this to ponder. Farewell. "C U L8R."

Howdy Doody? I don't know but I'm sure the FDA was responsible.